Update: 13 Reasons Why.

Still slowly making it through 13 Reasons Why. Very slowly. Why, you ask? Why am I not binging the entire thing like I do with everything else I start on Netflix? Well, you see, I have to watch about half an episode and then pause because it starts hurting my heart and making me feel like I'm falling apart. Everything that happens has happened to someone somewhere. I see glimpses of what could have happened if I succeeded in my attempt. I also see things I suffered through myself. The loneliness is the worst. It will always be the worst. Sad I can deal with. Tired? No problem. But the loneliness and the pure emptiness that comes with it, it can tear me apart in a second. I hate watching it and I hate knowing there are so many people out there that have gone through feeling that way or will go through feeling that way. I hate that I have been there and still struggle to convince myself I'm not alone. I hate everything about suicide and depression and loneliness and bullying and everything about mental illness. I wish I could fix it, but if this little blog I have reaches just one person and makes them feel less alone, that is all that matters. No one is truly alone. YOU are not alone, ever.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Saturday feels.

13 Reasons Why.

With the release of 13 Reasons Why on Netflix, I have seen article after article about it, some praising it and some critiquing it. I read the book years ago, probably before it was even being considered for a show. It has long been one of my favorite books. So as I sit here about halfway through the show, I decided to add my own opinion via my long neglected mental health blog.
So here is what has stood out most to me about my personal journey into the dark rabbit hole that is depression and suicide:

1) Triggers- yes, I knew exactly what this show was about before starting it, and exactly how it would end. I just didn't realize how close to home some things would hit. Some of the same feelings and emotions, even scenarios are all too familiar for those with depression and suicidal thoughts. I'm not sure if it makes me feel less alone in my depression, or just upset.
2) Relatability- I don't think that is actually a word but I'm going to use it anyway (this is my blog, I do what I want, OKAY?). What I mean is it is relatable. High school can be brutal. Heck, nowadays middle school and elementary school can even be brutal. People are mean and cruel. Whether you were the popular crowd or the awkward kid that sat in the back corner alone, there is some character in this show that you can relate to.
3) Bullying-bullying continues to be a huge issue that isn't given enough attention. Not only does this show how cruel and heartless people can be, it also shed a light on group culture. Bullies sometimes bully to look cool to their friends, even if they aren't actually okay with the bullying. Bullying is never okay, ever. And it is something that really needs to be taken more seriously by bullies and bullied and innocent bystanders and authority figures. There are always two sides of the story for the bully and the bullied. Which leads me to...
4) Actions have consequences- Hannah goes through the tapes, essentially stating the reasons why she decided to end her life. Many of these people didn't even realize what they did or how it would have affect the people around them. The smallest action, whether a kind word or a nasty rumor, can spark something, good or bad.
5) It all intertwines- It is not one person or one thing but the connection of hundreds of different people and things that lead to her downfall. Everything adds up to one big decision. Everything matters.
6) It is not immediate- her pain builds. It takes weeks and months. it takes multiple different factors and emotions over time for her to come to the conclusion that she did.
7) People do suck- this one is self explanatory.
8) You stop believing everything- you stop believing that anyone is genuine. That anything said is actually nice. You stop believing that anything good can happen, that there is anyone good in the world. You stop believing you could be worth anything to anyone.
9) People start to blame the victim- the thing that really stands out..."You bring this on yourself." No. No one brings bullying on to themselves. No one brings shame and hatred and pain like that onto themselves. At least not intentionally.
10) Bystander effect- everyone thinks someone else will do something so they don't do anything and as a result no one does anything. No one really reaches out to Hannah. I guess maybe everyone thought someone else would, or that they weren't the right person to do so? Or maybe no one noticed she needed someone to reach out. Maybe by the time someone decided to reach out to her she was already too far past the point of no return. Don't count on other people to do things that should be done because maybe no one will do anything.
11) Take everything seriously- Hannah's cries for help were pushed aside and ignored. Her attempts at getting someone to notice were looked over. No matter what, if someone asks for help or hints at their pain, please take it seriously, and offer help.
12) Mental illness is not something to "get over"- this goes with taking things seriously. It takes time and help and more time. A lot of time. No one can just "get over" mental illness.
13) The pain is real- This is important. Do not downplay someone's pain. You do not know what they are feeling and how much they are feeling. Everyone feels things differently. Do not pretend you know. Just be there.

Self Care Encouragement.

Take pride in the little steps today. You don't need to conquer mental illness, you just need to conquer today. Did you get out of bed today? That is amazing, go you! Did you brush your teeth or shower? You are awesome!! Are you going to school, work, etc.? That is incredible!! Remember to give yourself love, you are doing your best and that is what matters.

Warning Signs.

While scrolling through my memories on Facebook I came to realize something: in 2011, months before my suicide attempt, I posted various statuses a day that were definite cries for help. The statuses conveyed everything from loneliness to pain. I remember a few people asking if I was okay and then not rechecking. Mostly, though, I remember various people telling me to stop being so negative and stop posting negative statuses on Facebook. All this to say pay attention to your loved ones. Pay attention and actually care. Don't just assume they are negative Nancy and write them off. There could be pain underneath far beyond what you can imagine. Ask and ask again and again and again and BE THERE. This post is not to make anyone feel bad or guilty but to bring light to the fact that warning signs are a very real thing and should be closely monitored. Reach out to people and let them know they are loved and never a burden.
So, to anyone out there who has been feeling like they have been begging and begging for help and no one has noticed or cared, I care. You are absolutely loved and wanted. You are not a burden. You have a purpose in life that you don't even know about. You are courageous for being here. You will make it. You are wanted. Someone needs you here. YOU ARE CARED FOR. PLEASE DON'T LEAVE. I LOVE YOU ALL.

Days Five & Six.

Sorry for the delay, I have been under a lot of stress lately and have been struggling to keep up with things. Hope everyone has had a great week.

SEVEN DAYS OF SUICIDE AWARENESS:

DAY 1 - On average, there are 117 suicides per day.

DAY 2 - There is one death by suicide in the world every 40 seconds.

DAY 3 - Females are 3x more likely to attempt suicide than males, however suicide among males is 4x’s higher than among females.

DAY 4 - Suicide is the second leading cause of death in the United States for people ages 10-34.

DAY 5 - In the most recent reported data, there were more than twice as many suicides (42,773) in the United States as there were homicides (15,809).

DAY 6 - The percentage of adults having serious thoughts of suicide is highest among adults aged 18-25.

If someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please visit http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention-helping-someone-who-is-suicidal.htm

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please PLEASE contact me or any of these resources!

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK

Crisis Text Line: 741741

Lifeline Crisis Chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/lifelinechat.aspx

Day Four.

SEVEN DAYS OF SUICIDE AWARENESS:

DAY 1 - On average, there are 117 suicides per day.

DAY 2 - There is one death by suicide in the world every 40 seconds.

DAY 3 - Females are 3x more likely to attempt suicide than males, however suicide among males is 4x’s higher than among females.

DAY 4 - Suicide is the second leading cause of death in the United States for people ages 10-34.

If someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please visit http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention-helping-someone-who-is-suicidal.htm

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please PLEASE contact me or any of these resources!

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK

Crisis Text Line: 741741

Lifeline Crisis Chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/lifelinechat.aspx

Day Three.

SEVEN DAYS OF SUICIDE AWARENESS:

DAY 1 - On average, there are 117 suicides per day.

DAY 2 - There is one death by suicide in the world every 40 seconds.

DAY 3 - Females are 3x more likely to attempt suicide than males, however suicide among males is 4x’s higher than among females.

This is often attributed to the fact that males are more likely to use more violent ways to attempt, such as firearms, whereas females tend to try less violent ways such as overdose. 

Hope everyone out there is super excellent today. As for myself, I am hanging in there. Stress is getting for me. It's funny how I get so stressed about getting things done that all I want to do is crawl under my bed and not do those things until they go away, even though they won't go away until I do them. Ughhhh life. Hang in there guys. You are all important.

If someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please visit http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention-helping-someone-who-is-suicidal.htm

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please PLEASE contact me or any of these resources!

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK

Crisis Text Line: 741741

Lifeline Crisis Chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/lifelinechat.aspx

Day Two.

SEVEN DAYS OF SUICIDE AWARENESS:

DAY 1 - On average, there are 117 suicides per day.

DAY 2 - There is one death by suicide in the world every 40 seconds.

 

For me the hardest part about advocating for suicide prevention is pushing my own negative thoughts and feelings aside to be able to help others. I am struggling today again, as I have been lately. But I am holding on to hope that me being here is somehow helping someone else be here too. Please hold on with me. I'm with you, I know this is hard, you are not alone, ever.

If someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please visit http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention-helping-someone-who-is-suicidal.htm

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please PLEASE contact me or any of these resources!

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK

Crisis Text Line: 741741

Lifeline Crisis Chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/lifelinechat.aspx